It is not new to anyone that as human beings we are all able to reflect, understand the consequences of our actions and evolve, however, it is much easier said than done. I believe there is still a long learning path ahead of me. I reached a period in my life when I feel much more aware of my actions, which brings me much greater satisfaction when I have positive results and enormous frustration when nothing goes as planned.
One of the things I’ve learned is that time is relative, there isn’t a right age for anything. I’ve always enjoyed writing, however, I never thought of taking a writing career seriously before I was thirty. For me, I needed life experience before filling a blank page, at that time I wanted to write fiction and my poems were very personal. Today I regret having spent so many years insecure about my art, if on one hand I now have more convictions and probably I am better prepared for rejection or criticism, on the other I am still looking for the ideal rhythm when writing, the lack of practice has made the process of writing long and I would like to have more articles per week than I have to offer at the moment.
I have always believed that over time we expect people to become more mature and that experience shows that certain attitudes are not effective and, therefore, it is necessary to find other paths. I always tried to pass this on to my students and later on to my son. When I saw him unnecessarily irritated by a situation, he needed to understand the need to learn to deal better with his emotions and that there was a limit, between a child’s tantrum and his nature of testing the limits and when it is an act of an immature teenager.
It’s easy to look at other people’s lives and point out mistakes or find solutions to other people’s problems, but I was able to understand that it was time to stop fooling myself and face my demons, not that I was going to take over the world in a day and transform my life the following week, but I needed to start somewhere and one of my biggest difficulties was always managing my time.
No, I’m not and I’ve never been one to be late, I’ve always met the deadlines, I could be, occasionally, a few hours later but I knew it wouldn’t interfere at work. My friends sometimes made fun of me for being the first to arrive, and there was this one time that I arrived before the birthday boy, I forgot that people in Brazil expect guests to be at least an hour late. My problem is before the deadline.
Still in college one of my classmates had an agenda in which she planned her day in detail, she knew every step of the day and I didn’t know if I had admiration or envy, she was always up to date with the subject, she knew when and how long she would need to devote to complete a particular task. I, on the other hand, finished my papers the morning I was going to present them, not that the deadlines were tight, but I always waited until the last minute to finish my assignments.
I loved teaching creative writing classes, but weekly I had a lot of texts to proofread, and it was important to finish everything before the next week so students had the opportunity to avoid making the same mistakes. My poor time management was irritating, consequently, I still kept to deadlines (with some delays), but I drank more coffee than water, and I went to the pharmacy to buy guarana powder and anything else that would keep me awake. Maybe the fact that I worked in three schools and had more than a hundred students didn’t help, André was still young and I also felt guilty for not giving enough attention and, even with work to do, sometimes, I left it aside to stay with him. I know I have a plausible excuse to do what I did, however, I still believe that it was possible to have more sleep if I knew how to deal better with time.
Moving to China I felt something I had forgotten: BOREDOM. I finally had time to do my nails every week, I could binge-watch tv shows and I still had plenty of time left. With a reduced workload and few distractions I learned to plan better my day, I no longer needed coffee or sleepless nights, but the work was easy and my son was not here.
Years passed and I evolved. Today I can manage my time better, especially at work, I hardly bring anything home, I found it better to spend a few extra hours in the office focused on the tasks I have to do. I know how to better measure the time I spend cooking and tidying up the house, besides I limit my consumption of junk on the internet (youtube, tv shows, social media) and, of course, my son is a teenager who doesn’t need or ask for my attention all the time. Despite being tired I have managed my routine well, but then when everything seems in order, the LONG HOLIDAY comes.
I remember that ever since my father started his new job and he had to travel a lot (I was 9 years old at the time) the holidays were always filled with expectations. It was almost certain that he would come home, he would stay longer than two days, and we would probably do something special. In those days, it was allowed to get out of the routine, we usually would wake up early to make the most of it, things in the house should be done first (cleaning, buying groceries, minor repairs), but then there was time to do something fun. Walking around, watching something on TV together, playing card games, or having lunch at a restaurant. I remember being a kid and counting the days until the next holiday.
Maybe I always wanted my holidays to also be filled with fun and family things to do. After I became an adult, every time I sat in front of the computer and my son asked if I wanted to play video games I promptly accepted, if a friend called me for coffee or dinner I was in. And another holiday ended and it had been very unproductive.
As I explained in another post, China has two long holidays and one of them was now from the 1st of October to the 7th of the same month. I planned to finally finish the short story I’ve been sketching for over a month; write some articles so that when I get back to work I have a better margin of slack; send messages to my friends, especially those who no longer live here; restart my workout routine; better organize the house; finish the book my friend referred to me after she read my post about how bad I am at financial planning; do something fun with my friends and my son; go to the supermarket and cook something different. It seemed simple and more than enough time for everything.
And I must confess that Mortal Kombat X is very fun to play on PS4; that I learned how to make esfiha and my chicken pie was not too bad; the book my friend suggested is actually really good and I highly recommend The Richest Man in Babylon – George S Clason, but the rest will be for later.
Maybe I shouldn’t be so unhappy for not knowing how to manage my holidays well, after all, it doesn’t bring me any problems at work and I can take the opportunity to have a little rest, but I don’t deny that it still frustrates me not being able to consciously accomplish everything I plan.